Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
