he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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