you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
