it wasn't lemon gatorade
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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