my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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