the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
