i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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