I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
