im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
