Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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