I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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