I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
