dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Randomize
