Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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