so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
