Your face is a jimmy john
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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