he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
