bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
