NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
