So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
