Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
