Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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