You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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