Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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