Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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