i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
