I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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