i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
