I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
