I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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