That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
