alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
