Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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