If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
