Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
