Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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