Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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