So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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