I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We had to coat check the pizza.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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