My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
