The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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