i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
