I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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