During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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