guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
