the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize