I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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