it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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