omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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