My room smells like vodka and shame
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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