Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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