I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
