we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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