I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
