my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize