i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
