dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
