Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
